DONT ASK DON'T TELL: HOME EDITION
Announcing to my folks the news of our upcoming marriage didn't go well. They were all tongue-tied, barely coherent but dripping with disapproval. I was entirely deflated.
This, after Bill and I lived together as a couple for 25 years. This, after they've always been very generous towards him at Christmas and his birthday. This, after they've welcomed him into their home and the homes of their friends and relatives literally hundreds of times. To be sure, their objection knocked the wind right outta me.
Background: I came out to them almost 30 years ago. At the time they told me they were disappointed but they'd always love me and I'd always be gladly received in their home. And that was the end of the discussion. Forever, apparently:
Since my initial opening up in the early '80s, they've never wanted to know anything about my 'gay lifestyle' (you'll forgive my use of that horrible term) - which, frankly, suited me just fine. Neither have I felt any compulsion to wave the rainbow flag in their faces or expose them to my private affairs. I'm healthy, gainfully employed, have a roof over my head and they are safely ensconced in the suburbs. In my family, nothing else matters.
Still, I'm surprised and hurt by their response to the news of my nuptials. So I'm questioning my years of effectual silence on gay issues and my life in general. But they didn't ask and I didn't tell. Have I done something wrong?
Hell no, Bill and I've lived together since 1984. How much more preparation did they need? I'm blameless.
My parents know what little they want to know about my sexuality and what it encompasses. The particulars are superfluous to them. It's not that they don't care; they simply don't want to deal with details. And they just can't wrap their brains around the idea of their son marrying another man.
I'd like to think they are more enlightened but this marriage issue suggests otherwise. I guess some people have to live with their heads buried in the sand or they'd go nuts.
3 comments:
If it makes you feel better, you are not alone here. I have read countless stories of others like you, with seemingly accepting families who suddenly draw an imaginary line in the sand when forced to think about same sex marriage.
I'm sorry for the deflation and hurt this has caused you, but hope you will not let it bother you too long, and will remember that the upcoming nuptuals are for YOU & BILL. Your family's approval is desired, but certainly not required.
I'm so glad you've returned to blogging!
This says so much. It reminds me of the scene in Torch Song Trilogy where Arnold (Harvey Fierstein) is trying to compare his loss to that of his mother (Ann Bancroft). She refuses to accept the fact that his love for his partner is as real as her love for her husband, or that Arnold's grief is as real as hers.
Until same gender marriage is as common as inter-racial marriage people will continue to balk. You guys are pioneers. Congratulations and best wishes.
Sorry to hear that. I don't think we can ever escape the sting that a parent's disappointment brings regardless of its validity. I feel lucky that my mom stood up for me in my wedding but there were zero other members of the family there. Zero. My cousin's straight wedding held 6 months after mine was attended by every single family member.
Yeah, that stung.
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